Pushin' Forward

Theological Reflections group was definitely on point today. We spent our group time together focusing on our spiritual compasses and examining our personal walks with God. I have a bittersweet feeling towards the groups because they force me to think--- something that I absolutely hate to do.. I hate questioning the path that I'm on... am I where I'm supposed to be in life or am I simply existing and taking up air and space. -- My biggest issue is that I have to be in control and God's compass is designed with His divine plan in mine--- Me? - well i've got other plans. But the group is too much for a Tuesday afternoon because I'm sure there will be days when I can't hold back the tears..

Had my first supervision meeting today as well.. I can tell it's gonna be like therapy.. but it's something that is definitely necessary... I'm kinda nervous about how my time will be managed over the next year.. there is simply not enough time in the day to do all that I have to do... but--- that's not my problem... (or is it??)

I have a companion that loves me unconditionally and it is the greatest feeling in the world. It's a bit cliche'ish (if that's a word, lol) but the hardest thing in the world to do for me was to allow my heart to be repaired in order to love again... I know that there are times when she probably wanted to give up on me-- but she loved me through my mess, drama, and psychoticness (LOL) ---

I think about my grandmother daily-- Can't believe it's been 5 years since she left me-- I remember a couple of days before her death with I was going through the stages of grief and bargaining with God---I remember telling Him that I could maybe learn to live without her for a couple of years---- but that it would be too painful to live out the rest of my life without my angel... I try not to think too much... I miss her so much--- starting to see visions again that I'm not ready to deal with so hopefully something changest soon... mentally I'm not prepared from any new chaos-- Order is Necessary...

I've also been processing forgiveness lately--- there was a stronghold in my life that I had to release- and since releasing it I feel amazing. Ashes to Ashes Dust to Dust-- I'm gonna keep pushin forward, yet living in the moment, because if you have one foot in yesterday, and one foot in tomorrow, you are pissing on today--- and as my compadre the late great Jonathon Larson so beautifully reminded us in the best Muscial ever-- RENT-- There's NO DAY BUT TODAY!!!!