Forgive us Our Debts..

Forgiveness is a bit of a difficult area for me... not because I'm a mean insensitive *****... but because it's something that simply takes time... Today in Theological Reflections we discussed the power of forgiveness and I began to examine how I forgive or rather fail to forgive others. I shared with the group about how forgiving my parents is something that I have to actively work towards on a daily basis.

I also have a difficult time forgiving those that hurt me to the core.-- As I get older I'm learning to let things go.... but after I let it go I still don't want anything to do with someone that intentionally sought to hurt me.. I guess it goes back to that age old saying-- Fool me Once, Shame on You, Fool me Twice, Shame on Me.... I think that's why getting over my last relationship was so difficulty because I was fooled twice and I should have never looked back. According to my role models on Sex in the City, It takes half the time of the relationship to get over a person or get to the point of forgiveness. That was a long process for me; however, once I truly let go I was able live my life again and enjoy every moment of being me. So I guess forgiveness is a good thing....

Recently I began interacting with my first girlfriend more often that I'd ever been able to do since we broke up in 2004. I told her after we broke up that I hoped that one day we would be able to be friends and although it took 7 years in order to reach this point, the act of reaching this point gives me hope in all failed relationships/friendships etc.. With healing and forgiveness anything is possible. I'm focusing on this relationship because I'm friends or at least civil with all of my exes with the exception of one. One that I'm not even sure I would ever want to be cordial with. But after forgivness healing and wellness can occur... At least that's my opinion. If we forgive others, God will Forgive us....

Treesie Z.

Growth and Maturity...

Since I'm sitting under this blazing hot dryer I thought I'd take a moment to reflect over the past 10 years of my life... on September 11, 2001 I was sitting in my BUSA 1900 class (Surfing the Internet for Success)--- a bird course that I decided to take my freshman year at SUWG... I didn't realize when I signed up for the course during our summer orientation that it would be one of the only classes that i truly remembered from my time at UWG.. About 45 minutes into our 8:00 a.m. class (a class I was of course not too fond of) our teacher directed us to CNN.com where we were informed of a plane flying through the first tower.... minutes later we watched as the 2nd plane went through the 2nd tower... We were immediately released from class and the rest of our classes were canceled for the day... As I left the Richard College of Business building I walked back to my dorm room (Row Hall 2E) and I was completely dumbfounded and afraid... 1) Because I had no clue what the World Trade Center was and 2) because I was afraid that an attack might come to Georgia.... Ignorance and Selfishness are the two thoughts that go through my mind as I recall that day 10 years ago...

However; 10 years later, I can't even think about the 9/11 attack or watch a movie or documentary about the attack without crying my eyes out... on August 20, 2010 I had the opportunity to stay across the street from Ground Zero at the Hilton Millenium Hotel and each night I looked out of our hotel window as the memorial site was constructed.... I can only imagine the devastation that took place on that day and the amount of pain that this national disaster caused.... 10 years later I look back with an empathetic heart and I extend my heart felt condolenses to all of those who were affected by the attack...

Looking back, I can't help but to examine why as an 18 year old freshman college student I lacked the ability to fully understand the significance of the loss that our country suffered as a nation and the individual loses that each family member/survivor suffered... I am however grateful that God has now given me the capacity to love endlessly and provided me with a new heart. I'm even learning that I've grown in my personal relationships.... One of my mother's Wendy Brewer used to always make this statement "What a Difference a Day Makes"---- Really.. Thank you God for making a difference in me....

Treesie Z.

Ain't Nothin' Like "FAMILY"

I had so much fun this weekend... Spend a substantial amount of time with a few of my favorite people... On Friday night I got to hang out with my fave Lesbian couple and one of my favorite people.. I met both of these awesome young ladies during a time period in my life when I was torn, hurt, and damaged... 3 years later we were in the Park kickin it as if we have known each other for decades.. LOL--- such an awesome experience and a wonderful blessing to be blessed by these beautiful souls.... I'm grateful to God for blessing me with wonderful friends, a supportive family, and an awesome fiance.---- What more could a girl ask for.. The only thing missing from this weekend was my BFF-- Got to spend time with my family and to go to my little cousin's game.. Ain't nothng like family... LOL and ain't nothing like FAMILY!!!! Time for bed...

Treesie Z.

If I Just Cry....

I have a three week long migraine that just won't go away.. Not quite sure why it keeps coming back... every night when I lay down I clear my mind and make room for happy thoughts.. but when I awake all of my problems are back at the frontal lobe of my big fat brain.... how then do I then begin to release the necessary endorphins that will produce the feeling of euphoria that I so long for.. or am I doomed to spend the next year and a half stressed out about things that are not within my control...

My brain hurts so bad... I just want the pain to go away.. I feel as if the only thing that will help me at this very moment is if I cry... If I could find one small moment in time that I could take about 30 minutes and sob and weep before the Lord--- God I'm praying for your Peace that Passeth all of my understanding.. because I know that I can do nothing in and of myself.. Lord please release this inner pain... Teach me to surrender my thoughts to you and think on whatsoever things are lovely and peaceful and all of that good stuff.. God I am losing this inner battle and stress is building up in my body.... Release this pain so that I may embrace the joy... Thank you God for Serenity...

Treesie Z.

AMaZing...

AMaZing.. is the only word that I can think of to describe the weekend that I had. Started off the weekend handing out with some old high schol friends-- Drinks, laughs, and a trip down memory lane coupled with The Wobble and the Cupid Shuffle made for an exciting Friday afternoon.. Last night was the official reunion at the Lafayette Garden Inn--- Our Class Reunion was better than I could have ever imagined it would be. The venue was beautifully decorated and the shared moments with old high school friends was priceless.

I ended this weekend spending time with my beautiful niece Aubree Dior and my beautiful fiance- Tasha Nicole Jones..

I'm so grateful for the love that we share and the priceless moments that we have. As amazing as this weekend was--- every single day of my life that I've been graced to spend with my Booka brings me an amazing amount of joy.. I've never known love like this.. and I'm grateful just for the opportunity to love such a beautiful, unique individual... --- She gives me Joy!!--- Thank God for and Awesome, Amazing.. Weekend!!!

Late Night Reflections..

Last night was very uncomfortable for me.. right before I went to sleep I got a text from my aunt telling me to give her a call ASAP... so I did that right before laying down and she gave me some very bad news... Well anyone that knows anything about me knows that I was raised by my great aunt and my great grandmother.. so my aunt is like a mother to me.. Well she calls because she's overdrawn her bank acct trying to pay bills that my father has failed to help her pay... so this immediately caused me a great deal of stress because even though I had the money to help her, I had to pull it from my savings and times are tough for me personally right now on a certain level as far as trying to balance, school, my internship, high gas prices and work..... soooo after much prayer when I woke up I gave the money to my girlfriend to take to her before I went to work... but for the grace of God the bank refunded her overdraft fees and we were able to bring her acct up to date-- but my frustrations led me to have an in depth conversation with my father about taking responsibility and budgeting so that he can pay his bills on time... a conversation that a 28 year old should NOT be having with a damn near 50 year old... sooooooooo moving right along---- it's just not a kosher feeling..

But after I got that out of the way things began to brighten up... I've devised a plan to complete all of my necessary goals each week in order to work 37.5 hours and do my internship for 12 hours a week... this should be fun... LOL--- class was long and boring tonight-- but my teacher is just so talkative...

Had a great surprise when I got home tho.. my sweet heart bar-b-qued and it was on point.. I didn't really eat lunch today because I was dealing with family stuff so having a great dinner after a 14 hour day was awesome.. I'm so thankful and grateful for having her in my life... She's the best thing I ever had!!!!---

Tomorrow I plan to have a GREAT day because I declare it to be so.. Tonight in my quiet time I'll be reflecting on obtaining PEACE that passeth ALL understanding... If I could just control the voices in my head I think I'll be okay.. :) #noschizo -- Let nothing separate you from the LOVE of God!!!

Treesie Z.

Pushin' Forward

Theological Reflections group was definitely on point today. We spent our group time together focusing on our spiritual compasses and examining our personal walks with God. I have a bittersweet feeling towards the groups because they force me to think--- something that I absolutely hate to do.. I hate questioning the path that I'm on... am I where I'm supposed to be in life or am I simply existing and taking up air and space. -- My biggest issue is that I have to be in control and God's compass is designed with His divine plan in mine--- Me? - well i've got other plans. But the group is too much for a Tuesday afternoon because I'm sure there will be days when I can't hold back the tears..

Had my first supervision meeting today as well.. I can tell it's gonna be like therapy.. but it's something that is definitely necessary... I'm kinda nervous about how my time will be managed over the next year.. there is simply not enough time in the day to do all that I have to do... but--- that's not my problem... (or is it??)

I have a companion that loves me unconditionally and it is the greatest feeling in the world. It's a bit cliche'ish (if that's a word, lol) but the hardest thing in the world to do for me was to allow my heart to be repaired in order to love again... I know that there are times when she probably wanted to give up on me-- but she loved me through my mess, drama, and psychoticness (LOL) ---

I think about my grandmother daily-- Can't believe it's been 5 years since she left me-- I remember a couple of days before her death with I was going through the stages of grief and bargaining with God---I remember telling Him that I could maybe learn to live without her for a couple of years---- but that it would be too painful to live out the rest of my life without my angel... I try not to think too much... I miss her so much--- starting to see visions again that I'm not ready to deal with so hopefully something changest soon... mentally I'm not prepared from any new chaos-- Order is Necessary...

I've also been processing forgiveness lately--- there was a stronghold in my life that I had to release- and since releasing it I feel amazing. Ashes to Ashes Dust to Dust-- I'm gonna keep pushin forward, yet living in the moment, because if you have one foot in yesterday, and one foot in tomorrow, you are pissing on today--- and as my compadre the late great Jonathon Larson so beautifully reminded us in the best Muscial ever-- RENT-- There's NO DAY BUT TODAY!!!!

Back for the 2nd Time...

First giving honor to Godt who is the head of my life.. it's ya girl Tr33 back in this thang with more rants and raves about my so called life. A lot has changed over the past 7 years since I started my last blog which I made 1 whole post on... LOL how excited.. but I'm far from being new to blogging--- I'm an old livejournal and Xanga junkie.. I've learned through the years that I am a writer at heart and writing helps me cope with life and all of its mysterious rollercoasters..

So what all has changed in the past 7 years since I faithfully blogged on Xanga and then FB---- hmmmmmm well I'm almost done with my Master's.. I've been in 2 crazy relationships-- and I'm in a great one now-- part of my blog will focus on any unresolved feelings of lack there of from previous situations- so basically this will kinda be like my online therapy... I welcome your thoughts and advice and love as you follow me through this journey..

One of the biggest challenges that I'm facing right now is finishing up my Master's Program in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Troy University in Phenix City, Alabama... I began my internship last week at the Pastoral Institute and I've got a year long journey ahead of me. I'll be trying to maintain fulltime employment as I pursue this life long goal and I don't expect for this journey to be an easy one.. but I do know that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me..

There will be a lot of cursing and a lot of giving honor where honor is due.. so if you are judgmental or hyprocritical-- you can exit stage left right now.. I'm human and quite honestly I like to curse- not because I don't have an extensive vocabulary but because cursing is cathartic for me so is prayer.. #don'tjudgeme. --- But when i'm not on here blogging I can be found on twitter @WhatevaPeace --- or on FB @ LOL--- nawwwww You don't need all of that information just yet.. But follow me on here or on twitter and I'll be sure to follow back... #thatsallfolks

Treesie Z.